It's A Man's World

Some things really upset me: Racism, sexism, ageism, any kind of isms. People are people, whether you are straight, gay, Black, Aboriginal, Jewish, Christian, Wiccan, Muslim, female or male. And the thing that gets me every single time is how people will push your buttons, turn on you or demoralize you for one of the above.

It happened to me during last year's innocuous 'Do Women Write Horror Differently Then Men' post. My gawd, you would have thought I was asking if men should be demonized and held captive for days while ripping wings off of butterflies and devouring children. I was lambasted, roasted, stalked, had threatening emails, terrorizing private messages and lewd comments. Nothing to do with the article. Nothing to do with the challenge. Just all threats and cowardly comments from weak-minded individuals who feared a woman asking such a dangerous question. Interestingly enough, only a handful of men actually read the posts, but none ventured a guess. Only the women did that. And no one got it right.

Now, I find out someone I know is being victimized at her place of work.......for being pregnant. She has been demoted, deducted vacation time for medical appointments, and basically being told to FO.

It is 2014. Women get pregnant. They don't do it to screw with the work force. They don't do it to get a vacation. They do it because it is their given right in this day and age to do so what they will with their own bodies. And now it is still being used against them. Why?

Women are told they can't get pregnant if it interferes with their job, they can't get an abortion because that is morally wrong, they can't have multiple sexual partners because that is morally wrong, they can't earn as much as men because they do not head households etc.

In this enlightened age you would think that people for one minute, one tiny little minute, would look back and see things from another perspective.

In this same workplace, the men are paid exorbitant amounts of salaries, given trips to Europe, take three hour lunches and that is fine.

But a woman doing the exact same job, plus filling in two other positions gets paid less, way less, no trips to Europe, works during lunch breaks, takes work home and when she becomes pregnant, is told she is a lesser human being.

Isn't it time to make things equal? Why do we, as a society, have "rules" for gender, colour of skin, who you sleep with, and what religion you are? Why, as a society do we allow minorities to overrule public and country 'givens' because we are trying to be politically correct? Insert "remove bacon from the menu in a restaurant in North America because it offends me".

Why can we not state what is obviously someone's messed up notion of how something should work when it is blatantly obvious? And why do we roll over and pee on ourselves when we see something is wrong and do nothing about it?

It is 2014. It is time we grew up as a nation and stopped treating each other as chew toys.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Family, Love, and Seeking Approval

Had a great day yesterday with my daughter, future son-in-law, his family and friends and my husband's family. We had a baby shower for my daughter. She is pregnant with Jack, our first grandson. Family and friends showed up, showered her with gifts and love and it was beautiful. Truly had a great time.

Overall, I missed my son and brother who lives four provinces away and my family who lives 5000 miles away, but I am used to being alone. Not accepting of it, but used to it. Been alone ever since I was born. Doesn't make it any easier.

I truly do not understand people who have large families. They seem to think if they get together once a month that's not enough. Or if they see each other for lunch once a week, again, not enough. I shake my head and think, try once every five years.

But that is my demon, or one of them. To wander this earth in search of unconditional love from people who spawned me or who I spawned, and not receiving it. Weird how I cannot let that go. No idea if that is normal or not. For years I searched for approval from my mother and now, I realize I am searching for approval from my son. I was his greatest support when he was growing up, but he went his own way in his teens and never looked back. Now, as an adult, I continually look for him to approve of me. And I am continually disappointed.

But now that I have made that connection, I think I can let it go. Let it be free with my other demons and let them play together in another sandbox. I love him with all my heart, but for him, I am superfluous. I know that. Can maybe accept that, however, I doubt it, and hope, one day he comes back.

Then there's Jack. Another chance at love. Poor baby.

Vacation, Stress, PTSD

Vacation! That one time of year where we can relax, unwind, not think about work, responsibilities, the office atmospheres and take a break. In theory, that's how it works. In reality, the hyper vigilance does not shut down. The nightmares do not stop. The tremors and muscle jerks continue along with the insomnia, nausea and feeling you are in the wrong body or the wrong mind. Unfortunately for PTSD survivors (and I hate that word also). We are not surviving, we are enduring, at the mercy of our flight and fight system and at mercy from a brain that will not hang onto memories long enough to process, but tortures us on a daily basis with flashes and glimpses of what was, and what could be again.

For me, it is the exhaustion. The every day battle that common people never face. I get up in the morning and I am exhausted, not rested, not thrilled to have to get out of bed at 0500 hours to face another day. I hurt. Every single muscle hurts. The shoulders, neck and back are the worst and my legs feel as if I am walking through jello. So where most people feel refreshed, I haven't slept, or had nightmares or woke up crying. Shower, have coffee and run out the door. Go to work where I will put in a 9 to 10 hour day dealing with interruptions, inter office politics, and office bullies. But on the positive side are the clients, my staff and a few decent people that talk me off the ledge every once in a while.

I do not handle stupidity well, or bullies, or laziness and nothing raises my hackles more than someone who can complete a job for a client, but chooses not to. So I breathe. Count to ten. Kill them in my mind and let it go.

Dependent upon the day, I come home, feed the dogs, hang out with them for an hour, eat dinner and watch some TV with la spouse. Other days, I go straight to bed. Last weekend I went to bed Friday night and would up Monday morning.

Now it is vacations. No schedules. I plan on writing....a lot. And so far have managed to pull off what I have promised. Yesterday was a great day. Wrote in the morning, shopped in the afternoon and then entertained 6 friends and laughed, told stories and generally had a pleasant day.

Watched a movie, read a little bit and went to bed. And laid awake until 0500 hours. My mind would not shut down. I would read, nod off and think great, but no. Ten minutes later I am staring at the ceiling again. I tend to get a lot of books read this way, but unfortunately the headaches and fog I am left with means that today will be way less productive. I may get in 2000 words of a novel I am working on, or I may crash the rest of the day.

I eat well, I exercise, I quit drinking coffee before 1000, but regardless my brain has a mind of it's own. After the brain surgery, I did not sleep for five months. I cat napped, but that was it. I thought I would lose my mind. I have never recovered from that state, and I don't think I ever will.

We lost a person to PTSD two weekends ago. For him seeing the incedent that wouldn't leave his mind, was the last thing he could endure. Five years later, no longer being able to deal with the pain, physical and mental, he succeeded in killing himself.  This is the path for some PTSD survivors.

A month before that, we lost three police officers to a psychopath with a shotgun. Three good men, who were loved, had families and had a vision of leaving the world a better place.

Triggers all around. And now, here in Gimli, the most serene place in the world, I write horrific things. I write about demons and human nature and the evil that men and women, do. Because it helps me keep my own demons in check. And because I know that whatever I write, the truth is always a million times worse.

Now, if I could just sleep like a normal person..........