Sunday, 31 August 2014

Family, Love, and Seeking Approval

Had a great day yesterday with my daughter, future son-in-law, his family and friends and my husband's family. We had a baby shower for my daughter. She is pregnant with Jack, our first grandson. Family and friends showed up, showered her with gifts and love and it was beautiful. Truly had a great time.

Overall, I missed my son and brother who lives four provinces away and my family who lives 5000 miles away, but I am used to being alone. Not accepting of it, but used to it. Been alone ever since I was born. Doesn't make it any easier.

I truly do not understand people who have large families. They seem to think if they get together once a month that's not enough. Or if they see each other for lunch once a week, again, not enough. I shake my head and think, try once every five years.

But that is my demon, or one of them. To wander this earth in search of unconditional love from people who spawned me or who I spawned, and not receiving it. Weird how I cannot let that go. No idea if that is normal or not. For years I searched for approval from my mother and now, I realize I am searching for approval from my son. I was his greatest support when he was growing up, but he went his own way in his teens and never looked back. Now, as an adult, I continually look for him to approve of me. And I am continually disappointed.

But now that I have made that connection, I think I can let it go. Let it be free with my other demons and let them play together in another sandbox. I love him with all my heart, but for him, I am superfluous. I know that. Can maybe accept that, however, I doubt it, and hope, one day he comes back.

Then there's Jack. Another chance at love. Poor baby.