Feeling ...... don’t know what I’m feeling.
Nine years ago today everything was normal. Nine years ago tomorrow, I had brain surgery and everything changed.
I thought I would be physically the same after. I wasn’t.
I thought I would return to who I used to be. I didn’t.
I thought it would take time to heal, but I wasn’t prepared for Malina 2.0.
No one tells you the damage a ruptured brain aneurysm will do to you physically, mentally or emotionally, or what the cost is to family and friends.
No one prepares you for the rage, anger, depression, suicidal thoughts, wisdom, strength, growth, and passion that can come from getting as close to death and still survive.
No one understands this journey except for people who walk the path with you. I am lucky I didn’t lose my husband. Most do. I am lucky to have some of my family stay. Most don’t. I am lucky I am employed. Most aren’t.
The fallout of a traumatic injury is horrendous. I lost so much more than short term memory damage. Every day is still a fight, but it is getting easier.
What I learned is love and kindness are the only things that matter. Don’t accept or give anything less. Don’t let others determine your self worth. Try new things. Learn new passions. Keep living, and fighting, and breathing.
People will leave. Let them go. It will hurt more than anything else. It will feel like battery acid pouring on your soul and you will feel like walking over the edge.
Because everything changes. Even the crippling pain.
A brain aneurysm changed my life forever. I will never be who I was, and that’s okay. To quote Hannibal, that is my design.
Lessons Learned: love hard. Love yourself harder. You will survive this pain. The pain will come back and it will change. Depression and anger are normal. Suicidal thoughts are normal. Numbing and isolation are normal. All normal reactions to an abnormal event.
Get help when you reach the end of your rope. Talk to someone who will listen. Read books. Educate yourself. Know you can survive and it will be the toughest thing you will ever do. Be sad, but do not live there. Find the good stuff and grab on. There is so much more to do, to love, and to experience. The only constant in life, is