I finally watched all of Six Feet Under again and I loved it just as much the second time around and eight years later, than I did the first time around. I also made some interesting correlations between the show and life in general, and Nate Fischer's death and my life.
First of all, if you are a parent, children will hide information from you regardless if you can help them or not. Doesn't matter what kind of parent you were or are, it's a fact of life. Children grow in a different trajectory once they hit puberty and they become people all on their own...whether you want them to or not. And that hurts. It hurts the parent and it hurts the kid, however, they will not see this until they have kids of their own. It's like an unwritten rule. Everything in their life becomes much more meaningful and all consuming other than their parents. And as a parent, you stand back and watch the pieces fall, try to pick them up, try to become involved, try to back off, try to become nonchalant, over-absorbed, over-obsessed or all of the above all at the same time and pray they come back to you on some level. Part of life. Hopefully they come back and we all move on.
We all hide parts of ourselves form ourselves and others. We are all in pain and we all deal with it the best way we know how. Like Brenda with her multiple sex partners, we have multiple frustrations and dance partners we deal with; depression, anxiety, illness, stress, PTSD, OCD, frustration, death of dreams, a life lived we had not planned, and hopes dashed before they had a chance to grasp hold. And we are all alone. No matter what is going on, we are alone. No matter how many siblings we have, how close we are, when the chips are down, we are alone. I know that sounds harsh, but it is a fact.
We all want the same things; people to love us for who we are; a place where we are safe; confidence that what we are doing is the right thing and a life free from as many obstacles as possible.
Nate Fischer died from AVM, Arteriovenous malformation, basically an abnormality present since birth that causes brain bleeds. He died from a brain bleed. And I completely forgot that part. Watching him convulse on the floor, be in the hospital, and die beside his brother brought back all the fear back again. Wondering if this is how it is going to work for me. Granted, I live with that thought every single day. But seeing it on the screen was weird. It was like stepping outside myself and seeing this moment through someone else's eyes.
I write horror. I think I know why.