Regret

I don't know what to call this post. Maybe to will come to me as I am writing. In the past three weeks, three men I know (one whom I adore) have had major health issues. One was 37 and he died of a heart attack; one is 52 and had a heart attack and luckily will be fine, and the other is 50, and has major, stage 4 cancer.

Going through my own medical issues, I can reflect on these experiences and wonder at the fragility of life. One day you are here, the next gone. And it makes me sad, angry, reluctant,  (insert other adjectives here) to see how much time we waste as family and friends,  not willing to reach out to the other wounded party to take the time to apologize and realize this is the gift. This. This moment in time. It's all we have.

I love so many people. And I can only hope that I have told them that enough times, to make them understand how important they are to me.

Yes, I am irritable, snappy, and sometimes, unlovable. Chronic pain will do that to a person. But there are more moments when I am genuinely happy, humorous and kind.

Sometimes I need desperately to be alone. Other times, I feel like if I don't see the person or people I love, I will die. Some days I feel I can make it through this path of fire. Other days, I don't want to go on.

I love my children beyond reason, and my grandchildren even more than that. I love my husband so much that sometimes I think he would be better off without me. And then I can only hope these people love me as well.

I've lost so many things in my life, that my soul is one gigantic scar. It's a mess and probably looks like a roadmap. The wounds run deep, and they will never heal. But I can deal with that.

What I cannot deal with is the profound loss of someone I would give my life for, yet he doesn't, (can't, won't) care. I hope we make it through this life together. I hope I get to see him before things get bad. I hope I get to hold him one more time and tell him I love him. Even when he was and is unlovable. Because that's what parents do; we love our children unconditionally. I thought it was the same for children to parents.